Things Needed to be Said
by Hieiko
Summary: Why does everybody in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?" says Buffy. Someone other than Willow hears her question, and decides to say a few things about it. On indefinite hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

Title: **Things Needed to be Said (Part 1)**  
Author: Hieiko  
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel the Series, or any of the characters in these shows. I only write about them.  
Rating: PG-13  
Distribution: If you want this, go ahead. Just email me and tell me where it's at. Thanks.  
Feedback: Would love that, pet.  
Notes: This is just something that I came up with while pondering Buffy's words in the Season 7 episode, "First Date". In particular, I'm referring to when she told Willow, "Why does everybody in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?" However, I'm not taking this opportunity to tease Buffy on her Freudian slip. Rather, I'm taking a pessimistic point-of-view on what she said, in order to point out a few things to the denial-ridden Slayer and her friends. This is more of an angst piece, but not really heavy, I think. I'm merely venting out a few frustrations here, I guess.  
Summary: "Why does everybody in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?" says Buffy. Someone other than Willow hears her question, and decides to say a few things about it.

"You have to move on," Willow told her friend, continuing to fold laundry as she did so.

Buffy almost sighed in frustration. "Why does everybody in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?"

"Well, I don't, Goldilocks," a familiar British voice said.

"Spike!" Buffy and Willow both squeaked, turning to face the blond vampire who stood in the kitchen doorway.

"Look, Spike, about what I said..." Buffy began to say.

Spike cut in. "Slip of the tongue, eh, pet? But then, the words 'still in love' don't exactly apply, now do they? There wasn't any love on your part last year, or so you kept telling me. Over and over again. Even when you couldn't keep your hands off me. And now you're actually saying the words 'love' and 'Spike' in the same sentence? Is it because of the soul?"

Buffy glared at him. "Spike..." she said warningly.

"Oh, come on, I'm just telling it like it was. You didn't love me when I didn't have a soul."

"I never said I loved you now," Buffy retorted.

Willow was looking from Slayer to vampire, wary of the way the conversation was going.

Suddenly, an obviously excited Xander came bursting in through the door. "I have a date!" he blurted out with a smile. Then he noticed the thickening tension in the room. "Okay, what's going on?"

"Lucky you, Harris. You're just in time for the question, is Buffy still in love with me or not?"

Xander laughed and snorted. "Only in your dreams, bleach boy."

"Every sodding day, mate." Spike smirked. "But bloody good dreams, they were. In reality, of course, Buffy would never say so. You didn't love me because I was an _evil, soulless thing_; I believe those were your exact words. Also, that _there was nothing good or clean in me._ Do you remember that, Buffy? Granted, you did say those things almost every chance you got, but there was one particular incident that stood out. Remember when you thought you killed that girl? Katrina was her name, wasn't it?"

Buffy blanched.

Willow noticed the change in Buffy's demeanor. "Spike, why are you telling us this?"

"Yeah, Spike. What's with the ranting? Heck, why are we even listening to you?" Xander said.

Spike hooked his thumbs through his belt loops, and flashed a smug grin. "I just thought you'd like to be filled in regarding some things. Especially the events of last year. And you're listening to me because Buffy kept you out of the loop last year, and here I am, spilling it all."

"Spike..." Buffy pleaded.

"What's the matter, Slayer? Afraid of telling your friends? And here I thought we were past all that. I mean, bloody hell, you told them I tried to force myself on you. You even admitted sleeping with me. But you never told them about the other things, did you? You still want them to think you're their pure, precious Buffy who was so troubled and suffering that she had to resort to sleeping with a vampire to make herself feel better." Spike looked directly at Buffy as he said this.

"You knew she was hurting, and you took advantage of that," Xander told Spike accusingly.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that Buffy kissed me first? And second? And hell, even the third time! Then she jumped me, literally. How could I resist? I'm still only male, you know," Spike replied. Then he focused on Buffy again. "You used me, Buffy. For sex. For your very own punching bag. It wasn't fun... well, alright, sometimes it was. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell." He paused. "But that was what you were trying to do, wasn't it? You wanted to hurt me, even all the while you kept telling me I didn't have feelings to hurt. Did you enjoy it? Jumping me to scratch your itch, and then, the moment it was over, you'd give me a nice punch or kick before running away, virtue fluttering? Not much for cuddling, eh?"

Willow and Xander gaped at him.

Buffy's eyes shone with unshed tears. But she also looked angry.

"Why are you suddenly bringing up all these things?" Her eyes narrowed. "I can't believe you! You're jealous because I have a date. This is about that, isn't it?"

Spike chuckled. "Well yeah, of course I'm jealous. Or maybe I just want you to rethink the idea. I pity the poor sod that would next get beaten to a bloody pulp for trying to stop you from turning yourself in to the police for a crime you weren't even sure you committed. I'd have died if I weren't already dead at the time. Lucky I was a vampire, huh? But even with vampire healing abilities, I was still sporting a couple of bruises well until the week after that. Remember the nice black eye I had on your birthday?"

Willow gasped as she remembered. Xander's eyes widened, but he couldn't make a sound.

Spike continued. "Though honestly, love, I didn't so much mind the beating. It was stupid, but you needed to get all that anger out, and I did tell you to put it all on me. But you know what really hurt?" He put a hand over his heart. "You just walked away and left me there lying on the ground. You never even looked back. You never even bothered to tell me that you'd figured out what happened. Didn't I deserve at least that much, after getting pummeled for your sake, yet again?"

Buffy's eyes were still glistening. But she didn't cry. "Are you trying to get me to stake you?"

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Not really. Didn't work the last time, anyway. I just thought there were a few things that needed to be said. Now seemed as good a time as any."

"Why do you keep digging up past wrongs? You need to move on, Spike," Buffy managed to say.

"Move on? I think I remember the last time you told me that, love, I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with Anya."

Xander glowered at the vampire. "Don't bring Anya into this."

"Why the bloody hell not? Why do you people keep holding that incident against us, anyway? We were both hurting, and also incredibly drunk." Spike eyed Xander. "Did you know, Anya was scared that maybe you never really wanted her in the first place."

Xander was stunned into silence.

Spike went on. "But, it's not like what happened was any of your business, was it? Harris, you left Anyanka at the altar. Buffy, you told me it was over, and that I had to move on. Didn't realize you meant I had to pine after you for a certain period of time, and _then_ move on. What was that all about, anyway? You didn't want me, but you didn't want anyone else to want me either?"

"I told you," Buffy said between gritted teeth, "I had feelings for you. But I couldn't trust you." She paused. "But I'm starting to think maybe I still can't trust you."

"You couldn't trust me enough for your feelings to be love. I believe you've told me that before... when was that? Oh yeah, that night in your bathroom. I'm not saying I'm not sorry for what I did. I'll always regret that and wish I could take it back. But you know I didn't have that in mind when I came to see you. I came to apologize for the thing with Anya, and you shot me down as usual. And then I just lost it. You stopped me. Or rather, you kicked me off and brought me back to my senses, and then I stopped. If I had really wanted to do that to you, you'd have had to knock me out to actually stop me. But that wasn't the case, was it? Besides, all those times you said "no" when you really meant "yes"? Kinda confuses a bloke." Spike said everything calmly.

"Don't make excuses for it, Spike," Buffy said flatly.

"I'm not, Buffy. And I'm sorry, I really am. But you don't think about that much anymore, don't you? Because of the soul. Funny how you're willing to overlook all the bad things I've done now that I have a soul. And yet you forget all the good things I've done when I didn't have a soul, except when it was _convenient_ for you. What a setup that was. Your friends picked up on it, too. When you were dead, I was good for patrolling and watching over the Nibblet; when you got back, I was kicked to the curb once again."

Willow and Xander actually looked ashamed at this.

"And now, you have me fighting by your side again. But you're expecting me to pine after you but not make a move because I'm completely unworthy after what I've almost done to you. And you would be right. I'm burdened by the guilt. Thing is, _you_ aren't. Maybe you don't have time for it, who knows. It just seems to me like you want me to carry all the guilt of what happened between us, as though I was the only one who hurt you. But you hurt me, too. You tossed me around like a bleedin' toy. But you didn't care; you only felt guilty for sleeping with a soulless vampire, not for doing those things to me. Now that I have a soul, you can openly show that you care about me, but still _not_ love me. It's a lot more than I expected from you, so of course, here I am ready to do whatever you ask. _Your willing slave_." To their surprise, Spike suddenly gave a bark of laughter. "I have to say, Summers, what an expert way to string a guy along. And at the same time still be free to go out on dates."

This time, Buffy couldn't stop herself. She launched her fist at his face.

It went right through him. Buffy stared at her fist and then at the First Evil, currently in the form of Spike.

"You bastard," Buffy hissed.

The First/Spike leered at her. "What's the matter, love? I thought you were attracted to 'wicked energy'? I'm as wicked as they come. Although, it seems my supposed possession of a soul isn't enough to curb your violent tendencies. Bad little girl, you are."

"You won't get away with this," Buffy said coldly.

The First morphed into Buffy's form. "And yet you already fell for it. Hook, line, sinker. It was fun watching your face." The First/Buffy laughed. "You know, there's more where that came from. Spike is _my_ toy now. You had your time messing with his mind and emotions last year. Now it's my turn." She smiled once more before vanishing.

"Buffy..." Willow began.

"I can't do this," Buffy muttered, and fled out the door.

Xander looked at his witch best friend. "We were suckers, weren't we?"

"None of us even realized that wasn't really Spike," Willow said.

"Do you think what he, or, it said was true?" Xander asked.

"Did you see how Buffy reacted?" Willow answered the question with another question.

"Yeah," Xander replied. "I can't believe it's true."


	2. Chapter 2

Title: **Things Needed to be Said (Part 2)**  
Author: Hieiko  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS.  
Notes: This story was supposed to be a one-shot, but then it started to have a life of its own. After the first part, assume that the Scooby trio buried their heads in denial for a bit, so things pretty much ended the same way in First Date. This part is set Post - Get It Done.

Spike silently left the basement at around 2 am. He went out the back door, and settled down on the porch steps. He lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag and relishing it. He hadn't smoked ever since he got his soul back, not until he killed that demon from the portal. He thought that he probably would have quit if not for that; going cold turkey was a walk in the park compared to the madness brought on by the soul. But tonight Buffy had wanted the old Spike back, and being love's bitch that he was, Spike gave her what she wanted. Leather coat, cigarette smoke, demon bashing, and all. And yet, after returning from the portal, Buffy merely spared him a cursory glance before going up to bed.

Spike knew he shouldn't take it personally. There were more important things going on. But he couldn't help wondering why Buffy had the time to emasculate him in front of everybody, but not a care when he got the job done. He told himself it didn't matter. Strange as it was, he actually believed it. It had hurt when Buffy said those things to him after all the changes he'd gone through. But it was a wake up call. After the tussle with the demon, he'd found that he felt more settled within himself. The demon had long ago accepted the soul, but perhaps the soul was finally accepting the demon. If only Buffy could do the same.

Spike thought that Buffy had accepted him, or at least recognized him as a person ever since the soul. He understood that she needed a fighter to watch her back, and he had to be strong to be that fighter. But hadn't she told him just days ago that that wasn't what she needed him for? She never did tell him what exactly that was.

He recalled the last few days. After Buffy's vague confession to make him stay, she actually wasn't around him very much. Nor were any of the others. He mostly kept to himself except when they were training the Potentials. There was something about Red and the whelp though, he noticed. They were no longer going out of their way to avoid him. They also kept sneaking glances at him when they thought he wasn't looking. He had shrugged it off at the time, but now he wanted to know. Did they think he was weak now that he had a soul? Was that the way Buffy saw him?

It hadn't occurred to him that she thought of him as weak. But considering the things she had said earlier, it was as though she wanted him to get rid of the soul. Or worse, to have a soul and act the way he used to when he didn't have a soul. He shook his head. Surely that wasn't what she expected?

Spike stubbed out his cigarette, and stared at it for a second before tossing it out into the yard. Evil, soulless Spike wouldn't care about littering.

He heard the back door opening, and immediately knew from the scent who it was.

"Hey, Red," he said, without bothering to turn around.

"Um, hey there, Spike," Willow replied, a tad nervously. "You couldn't sleep either?"

"Creature of the night here, yeah? Not exactly bedtime for me," Spike answered.

"Oh, right. So, uh, you want some hot chocolate?" she asked him.

Spike's head snapped around to stare at her. When he realized the offer wasn't just made out of politeness, he nodded. "Yeah, I could go for that. We still got some of the little marshmallows?"

Willow grinned. "Yup. Mostly because Dawnie won't let anyone near those."

That gave Spike pause. He wanted to think that his Nibblet was doing it for him, but with the way things were between them nowadays, maybe it was too much to hope for.

But Willow went on, "Now I know who she was saving them for."

He was about to say something to deny her statement, but she just gave him a look that told him it was pointless to argue. They went into the kitchen, and Willow made him sit at the counter while she busied herself making the hot chocolate.

Spike remembered the night he was with Joyce Summers in that very kitchen, when she made him hot chocolate and listened to him as he talked about Drusilla. What would she think of him now?

"Chocolatey goodness, with little marshmallows," Willow said as she placed a mug in front of him, and his trip down memory lane was cut short.

"Thanks, Red."

She sat down across from him, with her own mug between her hands. She thought of what happened the week before, when the First Evil had fooled Buffy, Xander, and herself. None of them had really dealt with it. But she had been thinking about it all week. She wanted to talk about it as well, but neither Buffy nor Xander would oblige her. They were quite content staying in denial. She'd had enough of that, though, and hopefully Spike could give her answers.

Spike watched her silently. He knew where this was headed, of course. She obviously wanted to talk, or ask something, but didn't know where to start. He decided to let her have all the time she wanted; she made good hot chocolate anyway, though not better than Joyce did.

Willow looked up from staring at her mug and was disconcerted to find his intense blue gaze fixed upon her. She took a sip of chocolate to calm herself.

"Spike, did you know that the First showed up here last week? Did Buffy tell you?"

He raised his scarred eyebrow. "I was here, Red. You tried to record the First. I knew about it before Buffy did."

"I meant the other time the First came."

Spike blinked. "What other time? Paid you a solo visit, did it?"

"No, it came to Buffy, Xander and me. And we didn't know that it was the First right away. There were things... that it said. About you." Willow took another sip so as not to have to look directly at Spike.

"What'd it say then? That I'm about to kill you all in your sleep?"

"No, Spike. See, we didn't know it wasn't you. Not at first. It said some things about what happened between you and Buffy last year."

Spike stiffened.

Willow continued, "I guess, it's kinda none of my business. But see, we all knew about the bad things, about you hurting Buffy."

Spike wanted to say something, but nothing came out.

Willow looked at him directly this time. "None of us realized that Buffy had hurt you, too. All the blame was put on you, and we all left it at that. We didn't even remember how you had tried to be good. I'm sorry."

"No, Red. What I did... the things that I... oh, bloody hell." The mug shattered under Spike's grip, and hot chocolate spilled across the counter.

A short while later, vampire and witch sat side by side on the back porch.

Willow told Spike everything that had happened during that encounter with the First. The expressions on his face just confirmed that most of what the First had told them were true. After telling the story, she didn't know what else to say. She stared at the ground, and beside her, Spike was doing the same.

"Hey," someone called out from across the yard.

They looked up simultaneously. Buffy jogged towards them, a questioning look on her face.

It suddenly crossed Willow's mind that Buffy wouldn't exactly be happy if she knew just what she and Spike had been talking about.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: **Things Needed to be Said** **(Part 3)**  
Author: Hieiko  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS. Some dialogue from BtVS 5.14, "Crush".  
Notes: Set Post – Get It Done. This part occurs almost immediately after the previous chapter.

There were hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands.

Buffy had no idea how they were going to fight the First's army of ubervamps. She couldn't help but think that she had made the wrong decision, even though at the time she had felt it was the right thing to do. She simply couldn't let herself be violated by a demon... but in a way, she already was, wasn't she? The ancient Watchers had done it to the First Slayer, and then it was passed on from generation to generation every time a Slayer was Called.

She didn't want to accept that she had the essence of a demon in her; that what she had refused was to have _more_ of it within her. She had to believe that her decision was the right one. Because if she was wrong...

No. She wasn't going to think that way. It was done. She had felt a little better after talking with Willow about it, but at the same time she had seen that her witch friend became slightly rattled with her revelations. Buffy knew that the vision she had been shown would probably keep her up all night; she could only hope that she didn't give Willow the same problem.

Without bothering to change into sleepwear, Buffy just lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Thinking over the day's events, she realized that maybe she had been too harsh on Spike. But she had had to do it, because she needed him to be strong for the fight. It seemed to have worked, anyway, since he'd killed the demon from the portal. He was even wearing the duster again. That had to be a good sign. Sort of.

She decided to go down to the kitchen for a drink of water. Although, if she went down to the basement to get her laundry, that was just because the basement door was right there anyway. She was a little surprised when she heard voices from the back porch. It sounded like Spike...was he talking to someone? He seemed to be saying something, and then waiting for a reply that Buffy couldn't hear, before he would talk again. Curious, and also a bit suspicious, she slid the kitchen door open just a crack.

She never expected to see Willow there, sitting on the steps and looking up at Spike who stood beside her. Willow kept looking back and forth from Spike and something on the back lawn, although Buffy couldn't see what. Then Spike stiffened; both he and Willow turned their gazes to whatever it was on the lawn.

"...I can't let myself love you, Spike. You know that." Buffy's own voice floated back to her. She froze for a moment, until the form on the lawn made itself visible. It looked exactly like her, wearing a forlorn expression that she had seen often enough on her own face. Anger bubbled within her and she flung the door wide open.

"Get out of here! We've had enough of your games!"

Willow stared at Buffy in horror. Spike's jaw clenched in fury as he understood what was happening.

The First/Buffy's expression turned cheerful as she flipped her hair over her shoulder haughtily. "What? I was only telling things as they are... which is more than I can say for you, Little Miss Chosen One."

Buffy really wished that the First was corporeal so she could kick its ass right then and there. She stood her ground. "At least I don't go around taunting people and manipulating their feelings," she stated coldly.

The First/Buffy grinned widely. It unnerved both Willow and Spike, who hadn't seen that kind of smile on Buffy for a long time.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure there's someone here who could disagree with that," The First/Buffy said, never faltering. "But he's much too busy, getting _weepy and whaled on_, to say so."

Buffy flinched as her words were thrown back at her. She risked a glance at Spike, whose face betrayed nothing. Somehow, the lack of emotion seemed much worse than if he had been angry at her. She was caught by surprise when he spoke.

"If you're trying to get me to leave," he said, staring straight at the First/Buffy, "it's not going to work. I'll be in this fight."

"Because of her?"

"More than just because of her."

The First/Buffy pouted. "Even if she'll never love you?"

"Well... yeah," Spike retorted, trademark smirk in place, to hide the pain those words still caused, even though he had already accepted them.

The First morphed into Drusilla. She appeared right beside Spike and placed her hand near his cheek, almost touching. "My poor, sweet William," she murmured, "Even I can't save you now."

Then she disappeared. For a long moment, nobody spoke.

"The First is just trying to mess with our heads. Don't let it get to you," Buffy finally said, breaking the silence.

Willow wanted to say that it was too late, it had already gotten to them, but didn't. Instead, she just mumbled a "good night" and went inside. Spike was right behind her.

Before Buffy could do or say anything, he was back outside, this time clad in his leather duster.

"Gonna patrol," he muttered.

"Give me a second to get a jacket," Buffy said, turning to enter the house.

"No need, pet. I'm going alone," he said, without looking at her.

"Is this about what the First said? You know what it was trying to do."

"Doesn't mean the bugger wasn't telling the truth, though, does it?"

Buffy said nothing.

"Better get yourself some rest, Slayer," Spike said, before walking away.


End file.
